Trying again
by LupinsGirlSA
Summary: With everything that changed, all the years apart, could they get back what they once had? ( POV Sirius) Wolfstar. Rating just to be safe. A bit of bad language.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended. All credit goes to JK Rowling. If you see something you remember from the books or films, it does not belong to me. You can't sue me, I don't have any money.

Authors note: Wolfstar, if you don't like it, don't read it. Takes place in the early hours of the morning the day after Voldemort returns in book 4. I have proof read this, but some mistakes may have slipped through. If you spot any, please let me know. Chapter 2 should be up in the next week or so. The rating is just to be safe for now, but it may change later.

A scarred hand sat the steaming mug down in front of him. Remus had made tea. Remus always made tea when he needed something to do with his hands.

"Sirius, what the hell happened?"

He already explained once.

Remus answered the door with his wand at the ready, nobody could open the front door at 2 am without some sort of protection, especially in a neighbourhood like this. At first he thought there was nobody, but then a large black dog forced its way inside. By the time he had slammed the door shut and turned around, the dog had disappeared, a ragged looking man standing in its place.

"Sirius, what are you doing here? What happened? Is Harry alright? Did something happen at Hogwarts?"

Sirius held up a hand to stem the flow of questions.

"He's back, Remus, Voldemort is back. Harry saw everything. The cup was a portkey. The Diggory boy is dead."

Remus had simply stared at him, his wand still in his hand.

"He's back, Remus."

Sirius took a sip of the steaming liquid and set about explaining again, this time with more details. He told the other man about Crouch and Moody, about the portkey that took Harry and the other boy to an unknown cemetery, the rat that had betrayed them all...

He told Remus about the the wands, explained again about the twin cores, about the Priori Incantatem. His voice finally broke when he talked about Lily and James, but he forced himself to go on. He spoke about the events in the hospital wing and the fact that the ministry wasn't going to do anything, finally about the instructions Dumbledore had given, about the order coming together again.

When he finished his story he looked at Remus again. The werewolf stared at him for a moment and then a lowered his face into his hands. Sirius wanted nothing more than to take the other man into his arms, to hold him and whisper words of comfort into his ear, but he couldn't. Too much time had passed, too many things had changed. Nothing would ever be the same again.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended. All credit goes to JK Rowling. If you see something you remember from the books or films, it does not belong to me. You can't sue me, I don't have any money.

Authors note: Chapter two, as promised. Please feel free to let me know if you find any mistakes and I'll try to fix them. The next chapter should be up soon.

The ancient oil lamp on the table didn't have much of an effect, not that there was anything they wanted to see, but it was far to hot to light the fireplace.

The two of them had spent most of the day alone in his old family home, trying to make a dent in the huge amount of cleaning they would need to do to make this place inhabitable again. Melin only knows what that disgusting house elf had done in the ten years since his dear old mother finally kicked the bucket. Speaking of which, he really did need to find some way to undo the permanent sticking charm the hag had put on the portrait in the entrance hall, he didn't know how much more of her insults he could take.

If she would stick with insulting him, it probably wouldn't bother him that much, but she just had to have a go at Remus as well. The sight of a werewolf in her beloved house gave her something brand new to scream about. Remus didn't say anything, he simply helped him to close the curtains in front of the portrait and then moved on like nothing had happened, but Sirius couldn't wait until the moment he could blast that disgusting creature of the wall.

He looked over at the other man again. Remus really hadn't changed all that much over the years. O, yes, he had a few more lines on his face, a few more scars, and he was going grey, but he still had the same walk, the same way of holding his wand, the same love of music and books, the same clean shaved look. His clothes were worn and neatly mended in places, but they were clean and pressed, the combination of long sleeved shirt, tie, trousers and jacket still exactly the same as he could remember it.

Remus gave a sigh and tiredly rubbed his face.

"Stay here tonight, Remus. There's no point in going home now, it's almost midnight and we have to start again in the morning."

They had only managed to clean one of the bedrooms, and he wasn't sure if he could trust himself to share a bed with the other man yet, but he couldn't send him away, he didn't want to be alone tonight.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, please stay, I'll take the chair and you can have the bed, I'm sure Snuffles won't mind."

"Thank you, Sirius."

The werewolf looked almost... relieved. It wasn't something that he wanted to think about.

As far as he new, Remus was never openly gay, despite the fact that he didn't really do anything to hide it. He couldn't blame him, the man had to put up with enough abuse and discrimination because of his lycanthropy, he didn't need to ad being homosexual to the list, but they had secretly been lovers since seventh year and later shared an apartment after Hogwarts. The idea that Remus didn't want to share a bed with him now upset him a little.

He gave Remus a few minutes to freshen up and then spent far more time than he needed to in the bathroom so that the other man could strip and get into bed without being watched.

To his amazement he found the werewolf fast asleep when he finally came out if the bathroom. He must have been more tired than he was willing to show. He resisted the urge to slip into bed next to him, but he couldn't help wondering if they would ever fall asleep in each others arms again.

"Good night, my darling."

He blew out the candle, transformed, and curled up on the stuffed rocking chair in the corner before drifting of into a dreamless sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended. All credit goes to JK Rowling. If you see something you remember from the books or films, it does not belong to me. You can't sue me, I don't have any money.

Authors note: Chapter 3. As you can see, I'm celebrating the end of my exams with updates and a brand new fic. As always, if you find any mistakes, please point them out to me and I will fix them.

So cold. James, he had to get to James and Lily. The rat. Voldemort knows. Harry, please, just not Harry. Why was it so cold? Please, just don't hurt them, let me be in time. James!

"Sirius? Sirius, be quiet, you'll wake the whole house up."

Let go of me! I have to get to them, please just let me go!

"Sirius, wake up, it's just a dream. Sirius!"

He struck out blindly, flesh making contact with flesh. His attacker let go immediately and he opened his eyes.

The sheets were wet. For a moment he thought he'd pissed himself, but it was sweat, it was dripping of of him like he just ran a marathon. Remus. He was standing a few feet away from the bed, one hand gingerly examining the left side of his face where a bright red mark still sat. Merlin, no...

"I'm sorry, Remus, I didn't mean to, I'm so sorry..."

He resisted the urge to get up, he couldn't risk the other man running away from him.

"It's alright, Sirius, I understand. Are you feeling better now?"

It wasn't alright, it would never be alright.

"Yeah, I'm ok, I'm sorry, it's... It's just... It's always the same, that night, James and Lily, that night in Godrics hollow... I tried to get to them, Remus, I knew what happened, I wanted to warn them, I wanted to help and I just... What if I just left a few minutes earlier? Could I have been in time? Do you think they would still be...?"

"Sirius, you can't blame yourself, it wasn't your fault, you did everything you could. There was no way you could have known Peter was working with Voldemort. He wanted them dead, Sirius, there was nothing any of us could have done."

"I should have seen the signs, Remus, I should have known something was wrong, that he was the spy. It was so obvious when you think about it, but I didn't notice anything. I thought it was you, just because-"

"It's over now, Sirius. I understand why you did the things you did. None of it matters now, we can't change what happened back then."

Remus moved from his spot in front of the fireplace for the first time and headed for the door. Sirius noticed that he hadn't bothered with a robe.

"I think we should try to get some sleep, we wouldn't want to risk the wrath of Molly Weasley if she finds us out of bed at this hour."

No! He didn't want to be alone, Remus couldn't leave him. If he left the nightmares would come back.

"Remus, wait!"

The other man paused with his fingers on the doorknob and turned back to the bed.

"Please stay here tonight, Remus. I don't want to be alone tonight."

Remus looked like he wanted to say something. Sirius didn't want to hear it. He knew just how infantile it sounded. A scared little boy who was afraid of the monsters under his bed.

"Please, Remus."

The other man slowly walked towards him without looking away. He pulled the sheets back and crawled into bed next to him, slipping one arm protectively around him, and pressed a small kiss on his forehead.

"Thank you"

"Sh, sleep, Sirius, you'll feel better in the morning."

Don't read too much into this, Sirius, it didn't mean anything, it was a comforting gesture from an old friend, nothing more. But perhaps... No, it couldn't be. Surely not after all these years, it just couldn't be. He just laid there for a minute, enjoying the warmth and closeness. Perhaps it wouldn't hurt to try again, but not now, maybe in the morning.

To be honest, it was the best nights sleep he'd had in over fourteen years.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended. All credit goes to JK Rowling. If you see something you remember from the books or films, it does not belong to me. You can't sue me, I don't have any money.

Authors note: I'm so very sorry for the lack of updates... Please let me know if you find any mistakes, I'm always happy to fix them. There should be another two or three chapters to this story, I'll try to get them up some time in the new year.

Sirius sat in one of the darker corners of the kitchen. He didn't feel like taking part in the meeting, it wasn't like he had anything to share anyway. Hestia was going over the reports of the last ten days with a bored expression on her face, but Sirius managed to tune her out completely.

A storm was raging outside. The rain was pounding the high windows and Sirius could hear thunder somewhere close. Christmas was just around the corner and winter had brought some of the worst weather Sirius had seen since his escape from Azkaban.

Sirius studied the group of people who showed up for the meeting. He knew most of them well. He'd lost count of the number of times he fought side by side with Moody and Dedalus. He'd been in the same year at Hogwarts as Hestia Jones, but she was in Ravenclaw. Sturgis Podmore joined the order just before the Potters went into hiding. Tonks, his baby cousin. He couldn't remember ever meeting her before, but he took an instant liking to her. Remus.

It was the first time in weeks that Sirius had even seen him.

He drifted back to that night Remus agreed to stay with him after his nightmare... He slept well that night, but when he woke up Remus was gone. The sheets were still warm and Sirius hoped the other man just went to the loo and would be back soon, but after five minutes he gave up and got dressed. There was a note for him in the kitchen. Remus had been called in for a meeting with Dumbledore and he wasn't sure when he would be back.

It turned out Dumbledore had sent him undercover to look for a werewolf who was suspected to be in Voldemorts pocket, and in the last few months Sirius had only seen him a few times, and never for more than five minutes. On two occasions Sirius only found reports on the table, Remus having left them there without coming to see him.

Sirius could tell his old friend wasn't doing very well. He knew the full moon was just a few nights ago, but things shouldn't be this bad. Remus was pale and he looked like he lost weight. There was something in the way he sat that told Sirius he'd hurt his back and when he walked the limp on his left side was more pronounced than usual. He also striped of his cloak the moment he got inside and his jacket was unbuttoned, leading Sirius to suspect he was running a fever.

He knew the lycanthropy took its toll, but it seemed so much worse now than it did when they were younger. Sure there had been bad times, mornings when he and James found him asleep on the floor in the bathroom, long stays in the hospital wing and nights when the moon's pull was so strong that even their presence didn't help and he ended up broken and torn with no memories of what he did to himself, but in those days he seems to recover much faster than he did now. Perhaps it was just because he was growing older, but Sirius suspected that a lack of proper care had a lot to do with it. At Hogwarts madam Pomfrey looked after him as best she could, he had friends to look after him, three square meals a day and a warm bed to sleep in. He also had far less to stress about, no need to worry about a job or where he would get the money to pay his rent at the end of the moth.

Even after Hogwarts when they joined the order and started to actively take part in the war he still had people to look out for him. There were nights when they didn't have any other options and Remus had to face the hell of the full moon alone, but he could always come home to him. Sirius would heal his wounds to the best of his abilities, help him to take his potions, bath him, and then help him to bed, slipping in behind him, holding him tightly until he fell asleep...

His eyes were swimming with tears, but he didn't dare let them fall, not with so many order members in the room. Something was wrong. One moment he and Remus would be talking, laughing together almost like old times, and the next moment Remus would be avoiding him. It was almost like Remus was afraid to be alone with him, and he couldn't understand why. On a few occasions it felt almost like they were lovers again, partners in everything, and then he would be out in the cold once more. Surely he couldn't have misread the signs that badly?

The meeting seemed to have ended without him noticing. People were getting up to leave, calling goodbyes to each other before filing out of the kitchen, going back to work, or, if they were lucky, to warm beds.

He sighed and made to get up and retrieve the whiskey bottle from its shelf in the pantry when he noticed that one order member hadn't left yet.

Remus was sitting with his face in his hands, tiredly rubbing his eyes. Sirius reached out and gently touched his arm, but the other man jumped like he'd been shocked.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."

Remus didn't respond, he simply let his head sink back into his hands.

"Remus, are you alright, my old friend?"

"I'm fine, just tired, I haven't had much sleep lately."

He was lying to him, and it wasn't even a very good lie.

"Remus, when was the last time you saw a healer?"

Remus laughed, but there wasn't much mirth in it.

"I'm a werewolf, Sirius, do you have any idea how my kind are treated at St Mungo's?"

"But surely there has to be a way? Perhaps a private healer?"

"I can't afford a private healer, Sirius, and even if I could, I don't know anyone who would willingly treat me."

"Then let me pay for it. I'm sure we could-"

"No! I'm not letting you pay for anything. If I can't do it on my own, I don't need it."

"Don't lie, Remus, you know it's not true. Please let me help you, I'm worried about you. Please, my old friend, let me help you. I can't stand seeing you like this."

"Then I won't force you to."

Before Sirius could do anything, Remus stood up and crossed the kitchen in three big steps, leaving him alone again.

Remus slammed the door behind him, waking his mother's portrait up again, but he didn't have the strength to get up and close the curtains.

He couldn't hold the tears back any longer, so simply let them flow, sobbing quietly with his mother screaming in the background.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended. All credit goes to JK Rowling. If you see something you remember from the books or films, it does not belong to me. You can't sue me, I don't have any money.

Authors note: Pure guilt made me finish this chapter early. Sometimes we need a little help to open our eyes... Mostly dialog. You know me, if you find any mistakes, please point them out to me.

He wasn't sure how long he'd been sleeping, but it couldn't have been more than a few hours, it was still dark outside. He could hear somebody moving around just outside the door, somebody who wasn't really bothering to be quiet. Death eaters would have been far more sneaky, this had to be somebody from the order. Perhaps Remus decided to come back...

The door creaked open slowly, almost as if the person on the other side was more nervous than he was.

"Sirius?"

"Tonks?"

"Sirius, what happened?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well for starters, you're sitting here in the dark."

"I was sleeping."

There was a short pause.

"I see. When I came in your mother's curtains were wide open but she didn't say a word. She didn't even try to argue when I closed them."

"Do you think a portrait can lose its voice? I decided to just let her scream it out."

Tonks didn't respond, she just lit the collection of lamps and candles with a quick flick of her wand. She pulled out a chair and swung it around so that she could sit back to front with her legs spread on either side of the backrest.

"You've been watching too many bad muggle cop shows."

"You've been crying, Sirius."

This wasn't really a question, so he didn't say anything.

"Would you like to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Well tough, I want to talk. Is it this house? I know you hate being here Sirius, but you know as well as I do its not safe for you out there, not with Pettigrew still around."

"It's not the house, no."

"Your mother then? I know you try to pretend she doesn't affect you, but she's your mother after all, it can't be easy to listen to her going on like that every day."

"No, I've grown used to her. She's not much worse now than she was when she was alive."

"Then what, Sirius? What's bothering you so much? Is it Remus?"

His head shot up so fast it actually hurt.

"How long have you known?"

"A while now, Emmeline Vance and I got talking one night and she told me the two of you were together before, you know..."

"Yes, well, that was years ago."

"I almost can't believe it, you know."

"What, that your devilishly handsome cousin could possibly be queer?"

"No, Sirius, that's fairly obvious. No, I can't believe two otherwise intelligent men could possibly be so bloody stupid."

"What?"

"You heard me! Sirius, I'm tired of watching you both moping around all the time."

"Look, you don't understand-"

"Bollocks! You both clearly still love each other, but you're to stubborn to do anything about it, so now the rest of us have to watch you cry and we get to walk on eggshells around Remus."

"Look, you're wrong... I thought Remus still felt the same way, hell, Tonks, I wanted to talk to him, but a few months ago... Well let's just say something happened and now I'm not so sure anymore."

"Sirius, I have no idea what happened between the two of you, but I'm not blind. I've seen the two of you together, you still care for each other. Sirius, you love him, and regardless of what you think, he loves you."

"Then explain this: After the meeting tonight Remus stayed behind and we spoke. I could see he wasn't well and I asked him about it, he denied everything. He claimed he was just tired, but I know it was something else. When I offered to pay for him to go see a private healer, he lost it and he couldn't get out of the house fast enough."

"Hell, Sirius, I don't know, pride? Money is a sensitive issue with him, maybe it upset him that you offered to pay for it."

"I don't know, if it was a stranger I could understand, but why in front of me? No, it's been too long, whatever we had between us, it's gone now. I need to move on."

"Look, I can't tell you what to do, you're old enough to make your own decisions, but Sirius, please don't give up. I know it's hard, but just try..."

"Tonks..."

"Humor me, ok."

"As you wish, my lady. Now, I have no idea what time it is, but I'm pretty sure you should be in bed. Go on, I'll be fine."

She took his hand for a moment and gave it a gentle squeeze before getting up and heading for the door.

"Tonks?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you... For everything, just... Thanks."

She smiled, winked at him and disappeared into the cold London night.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement is intended. All credit goes to JK Rowling. If you see something you remember from the books or films, it does not belong to me. You can't sue me, I don't have any money.

Authors note: Now, it could be that I've lost the plot but I swear I can remember a piano appearing in the 7th film. As always, if you find any mistakes, please point them out to me, I'll fix them. I've decided there will only be two more chapters to this story, and they should be up before the end of January.

Sirius spent the last hour wandering around the house, unable to find any rest.

With Arthurs attack and the house full of people Christmas seemed to have passed in the blink of an eye. In a few days the children would be going back to Hogwarts and Molly and Arthur would return to the Burrow. He couldn't blame them, he didn't want to be here either, but having so many people here meant that they needed extra security, and Remus was asked to move back in for the time being.

He missed him. It was strange really, how could you miss somebody who lived in your house? It wasn't lust, it would be easy enough to find someone to... Fulfill his needs. Even in the order, there were more than enough willing bodies. He wasn't a teenager anymore.

It was the closeness that he missed, the companionship. Somebody who would be there at night when he locked the front door behind him, an extra heartbeat, somebody to fill the empty space in the bed at night. Somebody to hold him when he couldn't sleep.

Somebody to wash the dishes with him.

He was surprised when Remus sent Molly away, getting up to fill the sink with hot water and rolling up his sleeves. Sirius stopped him.

"I'll wash, you dry?"

"Sure."

That was the last thing either of them said, they simply worked in silence, only the clattering of plates and the occasional splash of water interrupting the peace. It was the closest he'd felt to Remus in months. Even the fight they had before Christmas seemed to be a thing of the past.

Tonks's words came drifting back at him.

"I can't believe two otherwise intelligent men could possibly be so bloody stupid."

He wasn't stupid, he was a coward. He didn't have the guts to talk to Remus.

"You still care for each other."

He still cared for Remus. He loved him. Fourteen, no, fifteen years later he still felt the same way, but did Remus still love him? He had no idea anymore.

He knew he needed to do something, they needed to talk. Surely the worst that could happen was that Remus would confirm what he already suspected, that it was over between them, but he wasn't sure if he could take it.

Somehow he drifted into the family room on the first floor. Nobody ever used the place and despite their cleaning efforts a thin layer of dust had already settled over everything again.

He sat down on the piano stool and the ancient thing creaked under his weight. He tested the cover and found it unlocked, so he lifted it up completely and removed the green velvet cloth. He absent mindedly ran his fingers over the keys and found that it still sounded fairly good.

He needed to do something. If they didn't talk before Remus left, they probably never would.

He tried a few of the keys, playing a simple tune. Most of them were still in tune, others didn't even sound. He played on, skipping around the dead keys.

There was somebody standing in the doorway, somebody who cast a shadow in the light from the open door. He didn't stop playing and the person moved closer, placing a hand on his shoulder. He stopped and looked up.

"Remus!"

The other man gave a small chuckle and placed a cup of tea on top of the piano, using a discarded copy of some glossy magazine as a coaster.

"Enthusiastic response..."

"I'm sorry, I thought you were on duty."

"I was, Hestia let me of early."

Sirius moved over a bit, letting Remus sit on the edge of the stool.

"Nice of her."

"Yeah. I have her reports as well, I left them on the table by the front door."

"Thank you, I'll make sure they get to the right people."

Remus played a few notes before going on.

"You know, this is the first time I've heard you play since you've been back."

"I haven't really felt like playing. Anyway, this thing is in a terrible state."

Remus didn't say anything, he just sat there for a moment studying the bare wall in front of them. He looked better than he did that night in the kitchen when they argued over his health, but Sirius still felt something was wrong. There was an unnatural sort of stiffness in the way Remus acted around him, something that didn't even go away when he appeared to be relaxed. He had to know, he had to find out what was wrong. It wasn't just about getting his lover back now, it felt like he was losing his friend too.

Sirius took a deep breath and tried to scrape the shreds of his courage together.

"Remus?"

"Hmm?"

"Please don't get angry..."

"Why would I get angry?"

"Because there's something I want to talk to you about, and I don't know how you're going to take it."

Remus turned to look at him. It took a moment, but when their eyes met Sirius could see understanding there. For a second Sirius thought Remus would say something, but at the last moment he changed his mind and let out a long, shuddering sigh.

"Please, my old friend, we need to talk about this."

"Yes, we do, but not right now. It's almost time for dinner and I don't want interruptions. Let's talk tonight, when the others have gone to bed."

Remus got up, but Sirius grabbed his hand, he didn't want to let him go. Remus looked down at him and gave his hand a gentle squeeze.

"Tonight, I promise."

Sirius let him go and watched as the other man left before turning back to the piano.

"Remus! Your tea!"

"It's yours!"

He smiled and picked up the cup, taking a small sip. Tonight...


End file.
